it's been a while eh..

It's been so long, and without reviewing, i cannot remember when i last blogged, what i last blogged about, and even what i used to blog about. so long aye.

since then, i've had a very tiring life. running all over the place, physically, and emotionally. family's grown closer with exceptions, friends have grown further, acquaintances grown closer and eley further too. just become more and more of a "teacher eleanor". not that it is bad as well i guess, but my work, has really been eating up all the rest that used to define me. yet, being at my job is what gives me my sense of presence and satisfaction, and source of income as well. not too sure where i'm heading, but everyone says, it takes a while to get used to your job, and your new life.

i want more time, more time with Him, more time with my Mum, more time with my friends, more time with my special someone. i miss my uk darling, my block head friend (mayn), my jc buddies, my pri sch side kicks and all the places i've been to before.

yuyan showed me an article the other day about respect. and truly, it's about respect for another person simply for who that person is. not about whether there is something to be admired. it's about permanent hope, undying trust for betterment and continued forgiveness. and may we admit it or not, subconcious or well aware, unconditional love.

my bb rocks, or in his words, roxx. together because we are. so there. love.

Dived in.. same same, but different.

It is amazing how love can suddenly appear, suddenly disappear, and then before you even realise it appeared, you're in it. I cannot explain, cannot please everyone, but i try, especially for people who matter. and i seek from you, your blessings for my happiness. love me enough, and care for me enough to want that for me, because it's what i want.

I quickly swung from one to another and perhaps it's this one that i did the best check for. it is necessary, i realised for two people in a relationship, to have the same viewpoints about the big R. that's the only way they will treat each other the same way, love each other the same way, and let's admit it, so many of us, love our partners in the way that we want to be loved. hence my conclusion.

it's 8 august of every year that's memorable. something interesting happens every year this time. be in tragedy, romance; something to celebrate or something to shed a tear about.

i'm right now, in transit, of the knowledge of what is happening, of what i'm experiencing, and my mind's almost a blank. but it's that blank, that allows for me to know because i stop thinking, because i can't anyway. can't figure out shit man. but that's when we dig into our hearts and ask ourselves if we're just happy. so am i? happiness, overwrites so many things, because happiness breeds contentment. and with that, that's nothing to question, because things can stay the way they are?

there are those i still care about, those that i haven't quite let go of, or those that i wanna ask if they are okay. there's so much going on, and i want so much more time, to spend with the people i love, i care about, i wanna know about, and those that feel the same for me. i want to know how they are getting along, and if they are not fine, i want them to know that someone cares, and perhaps that's not enough. the knowledge that someone cares is not enough, feeling loved is the one that nails it i think.

so to the friends i hold so dear, and to the people that were once special and will always be, i still care. and i always will. i give you all, much of myself. let me know how you're getting along. you have my email.

everything's happening all at the same time. work, life, love, family, and the end of hall life. lost in transit.

not quite ready yet.. or am i?

There was nights when you know you are alone, but you feel that there are others around u; that's spooky.

But there are nights that you feel alone, and no knowledge otherwise would help anyway. In nights like this, you tremble with fear, because you're so afraid, so so afraid. you shake and shiver with thoughts gone wild of such emptiness. you feel so scared. because you are alone. singled out in space. u can text your friend, call a loved one, msn buddies. but no one's on the other side. communication tools are all working, but there's no one replying and answering, because there's no one there. because: YOU ARE ALONE. if you ever feel this way, don't be afraid, coz i've been there. and i'm here now. and because i exist, you can't be alone. and i hope you never get to where i got. i've only been there once. and it scares me, always, to think about it even. the thought of being alone; could this be the real greatest fear?

and perhaps, when you feel so alone, you feel like you are ready to go. i feel like i'm ready to go home to Him. but when i say it out, then suddenly, i'm not quite ready to go yet. i need just one last one. of what? that i have no answer of. but i'm at peace. i'm at peace with everyone now. i hate no one, love everyone. that's how you should go i think. perhaps because right now, there's no one person to give to, and everyone else to smile at and embrace, focus is dissipated and there's no direction. and because there's no one to love, coz i already love everyone enough, i can go.

or perhaps, there's no one person, and not being to love someone completely makes me feel dead already. not having a soulmate for a lover, is like having to balance between being alive or dead. maybe i'm feeling dead and feeling this way about love, makes me feel i'm better off dead. how dead can you be, to still be breathing? and how alive must you be, to be declared, not alive, but just not dead? but how can i be dead, when i'm struggling not to dream everynight, so that i may finally sleep. maybe that's why i'm ready to go. i'm really tired and i'm ready to sleep now. i don't wanna sleep, but i'm not sure what i'm staying up for. i want to sleep, without a dream tonight. i don't even want a good dream. i just wanna sleep. maybe i'm staying up so that i can become so tired, so i can sleep without dreaming.

do you even understand what i'm saying? which is the greater torture, to be breathing, but dead? or to just go home? i wanna go home.

The human touch - a dedication

I think it's beautiful, when couples share an ice cream, bite off a cone and laugh together about the silly-ness of not getting one each when hey, how much does it cost man? There is something intimate about sharing ice cream, definitely. This something, makes me usually only share my ice cream with my girl pals, and guy pals i treat like girls, or even when it's just another guy, it's just to try a new flavour. but to WANT to finish an entire ice cream (cone especially coz you eat your way down the cone) with him, it speaks of something that old couples know but don't talk about, and newbies, something that sometimes they'd try to deny. everyone likes ice cream, but i think lovers love icecream. so ice cream loves lovers, and ice cream -> love -> lovers. There is such a clear and direct relationship between them, can't you see it?

to the men out there, share your ice cream with ur girls. it works wonders for them. but don't try it when u're not sure about how they feel. regardless. ice cream is the best indicator if you ask me.

This thing about public display of affection. I've seen it all over europe, and coming back to singapore where it's absent again. What's wrong with ownership? there is of coz a difference between groping your partner in public, and affection. the way i see it, holding hands is a must, whispers into each others' ears is sweet, and pecks are always cool. and i wished people would start fulfiling the pre-requisites. u know how some people held hands coz it's the normal thing to do, or it's what being a couple means, or coz they have gotten used to doing so? that's so lame. shouldn't it be about because you want to feel this person, to be in touch, in a state of physical contact. stay focused on this, coz warming hands between ur hands is one of the most romantic acts. and moving your fingers when u hold hands, can be the sweetest act. It not only speaks of love, it rekindles old relationships. tested and proven.

i think lovers who watch videos together on a laptop before sleeping are wasting too much time, coz in the subconcious of their minds, they are doing so, just so they can cuddle together after that, in the same state of mental health. they should just get the cuddling sooner. so maybe boring shows are cool, coz u get to bed earlier and it makes cuddling more exciting.

"the look of love" is when u are on a bus, lying on the shoulder of your loved one, and whispering to him inbetween interrupted sleep. "the look of love" is when u look into another's and think " i love you" or " i could love you". Look more, observe what's around you. You may meet secret agents u never knew, and messages u never expected. the intensity : unmistakable

The world is a stage of secrets. Love is one thing, we all wanna embrace, yet deny. Hurt is something we all avoid, but it is what makes us real. memories, they are the freakin coolest dudes around coz they can be anything, any time, anyday. let go, fall, u never know what you'll learn. like john says, live life for the moment, you never know when it ends.

- the luv-sutra, from the europe tour-

to soak in the european atmosphere

and so, my bag's almost packed and i'll be going to europe soon. i intending to see many churches, drink lots of coffee and hopefully find some post offices that i can send some postcards. i hope this trip will be fun. i hope i take lots of pictures. and i hope my plane doesn't crash. cool and scary all at the same time. this could rock. see you all 39 days later.

home

And so, i've packed out of hall, unpacked into home, and still unpacking, and it doesn't seem to end. lotsa new furniture to get, for storage spaces of everything that accumulated over the last 3 years, but can't seem to find the space for them in the tiny room of mine.

my room faces the carpark, with the top storey of the carpark marking the end of the skyline. i comfort myself with it's alikeness to my not so complete PSA view because of the neighbouring trees and houses and all. It's home sweet home permanently, but not quite sweet after all. i miss my true home, where i can completely be myself, lie around in the sluggish-est of all positions, watch my almost non-functional tv set, and blast music from my not-so-pro computer speakers.

everything's in a mess: my room, my europe trip, my career (or lack thereof). at this juncture, i would like to take a moment to appreciate my friends, true friends. coz without being able to see some of them everyday now, makes me feel kinda... empty? i think i have taken them for granted, the convenience of staircases or the lobby, compared to the distance now.

miss the whole squirmy bunch; fangx, jan, maomao, rooftop gang, a510, the one who doesn't one to be called blockhead on her resume, danSHers..

i wonder if i should buy a truck and get a new license.

A day at Holland village starbucks with shearites

Fangxi has yet written her ode to starbucks today. But she has proclaimed her defiance to writing. Den again, not so defiant, coz she’s after all the diva.

Hansen and Don are just typical males, driven by the only substance that rules their minds and their world: testosterone. Ogling at girls that come into the room at the immediate appearances, and predictably, Caucasian babes get the most attention. I’m waiting to see Bona’s turn at it, or will it not happen coz fangxi’s opposite him? Then again, their relationship has always proven controversial.

And the babe leaves, Everyone notices. And everyone laughs, all except Don. There can only be one explanation: THIS IS IN HIS ROUTINE. Ha. Just like the way Mark shares his sick jokes.

I think girls, with curves, should really wear clothes that flaunt their assets. This blonde, wearing a fitting white top, pretty face, and a silver coloured heart-shaped locket that rests nicely at her cleavage: totally hot, I think. And then again, what is it with me that girls are just pretty things to look at? Is it me? Or is it the men around me? Just not worthy of attention.

Delicate: drives sadness, propelled by emotions, triggered by thoughts, thriving on memories.

And tell me, what's wrong with sitting on a beautiful bike of another shearite if you have the ownership of the bike area too? TELL ME!!!

I tried to think if i'm about to die, would i like bona, think only " oh fuck."

a treasure i hold so close, i'm aware of its passing soon. Yet all i do, is only to not treasure it, time and time again.